Crazy..Sexy...Weird? Aren't We All....

Misty Blue

2010-04-28T23:03:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading..funny how this mirrors so much of my real life. Well anyway I gave up Second Life. It has no meaning in my life anymore. I look back and I feel that there is something wrong with me since I can't maintain intimate relationships with males or females. Am I too needy, too desperate, too intolerable??? Hmm I'm not sure it saddens me that I lost everyone of my good friends I've ever had in my life. I know i suffer from borderline personality disorder that makes it hard and I'm not really doing anything to treat it but admitting you have a problem is always the first step right?

Well i tried to mend 2 of them and I guess the ladies were so distraught or fucking pissed off that I cut ties or in actuality was so depressed I became a recluse ..but i digress ..the relationships were beyond repair. So this leaves me wondering can you go back and fix the past or should you just move on?

Window Seat

2010-03-27T23:23:00.003-05:00

Window Seat... this is the story of my life!!! I love E.Badu. She is sooo prolific ( I guess that's how you spell it). Mama's Gun was one of the greatest cd's it helped me though some tough times. ANYWHOOOOOO

I'm backkkk...maybe....sorta.... a lil bit. lolz. I'm sitting here with lots of ramblings going on in this CRAZYSEXYWEIRD head of mine. I quess I need to update what's been up with me over the last few months.
Status Update:
Age: 27
Sex: omg yes please - celibacy is reallll strength ( July 2008 and counting)
Relationship: what the hell is that? oh oh i mean eternally single
Family: same old same old
Work: made it through the first year in hell currently suffering through year two
Life: restructuring
Spirit: wavering but rebuilding
Heart: broken..and untrusting

Now I knowwww this sounds pessimistic and like a downer but I think that's just my spirit tonight. I'm actually in a kinda okay place. I am going to actually change the direction of this blog. My life is what it is but I see soooo many things I want to comment on and talk about...like I saw a video of two guys fighting in a Chicago welfare office. WTFFFF and do you know who was mostly in the welfare office encouraging the fight ..wait for it...wait for it... African Americans. My people my people. We are in a time of craziness and I for once I feel the need to talk about things that are bigger than me. African American women are like public enemy number 1. The youth are uninspired, undedicated, and lack direction (myself included). Now I won't talk about the state of the world all the time, i will woe is me my own life but I'm going to mix it up a little bit.

I welcome all comments..I'm gonna stick to my guns but I'd love to hear responses and comments. Dialogue inspires change.

I still want my window seat.... but where can I go to get a clear heart and mind in order to inspire and motivate others who are in their window seat.

AM I A LOSER....SECOND LIFE TOO

2009-04-13T23:27:00.003-05:00

Whats the deal ....if i have any readers left whats up! I've been mia since December..not because of anything worthwhile like a lover...hahaha nooooo... I've been playing second life. what is second life u ask well its a virtual reality game kinda like the sims but a million times better. U can build an avatar..or a big ass doll as I like to say and make them look, act, dress, do everything u do in your real life and more. Well as you may know my real life leaves lots to be desired..so this shit was like gold to me..I went and thought it was the best thing everrrr. I let everything that was once important to me die like a total idiot. I let my job, my friends, and hope of having a love life fade away. I fucked around and fell in love in the game and I am still in the process of getting fucked in the ass from that one. I like fuck im a loser in rl and sl? WTF Second Life is suppose to be ur perfect life..not a damn continuances of the fucked up one you living now. Ehhhhhh wth..ya girl a mess mentally- physically im tired. Tired of not having the love I deserve; Im a good woman so what is the deal???

I started this post in April and here it is June and I feel the same way if not worse I love the game but people are people in and out of game. I now can say I have come out of game much more and I am living much more of my rl butttt not enough.

Well I basically wanted to drop this post to see if anyone is still reading...If you are thank you and I hope to fully be back in my real life my first life my most important life in August.

xoxo
CrazySexyWeird.

Ave Maria

2008-12-12T21:52:00.002-06:00

You know you guys are really great...I mean that if you didn't know it already. I'm coming back to post much sooner than later. I've just had a lot of crazy stuff going on with work etc. I'll give all the crappy details soon. Oh and for those that have been wondering my love life is still the same..very, very single. I'm still not sure how I feel about that but I'll tell you this weekend.

Love Ya!

Amazing Grace

2008-11-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

YES WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES WE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Officer

2008-11-02T22:29:00.003-06:00

Prayer can really change your situation...I'm not saying that I'm not a believer I most definitely am!, but God still manages to take care of me and my problems!! I was just talking about praying for friends in one of my previous blogs and then last week I met some of the most awesome and genuine women I've met in a long time. We emailed last week and decided to meet up for TSU's homecoming- I'm an alumni twice over but I've never, ever had a good time at homecoming so I was like expecting the worst. We went out last night and it was like we've been knowing each other for years! We had a good ass time at homecoming and we have plans to do it again next weekend. I was drunk as hell and it felt good!!! Now I've touched on this before but in high school and college I didn't do any of those wild things and I didn't attend not one party. I didn't even get drunk or go party on my 21st or 25th birthdays. I had way, way too much sex but when I think back that shit wasn't fun or cute at all!!!! I don't have any drunk stories, or any crazy party stories. I was / am way too shy to do any of those things but last night I let loose and had a damn good time!!! I looked fucking awesome...I had a short wig, a black sweater dress with a pop of color from a necklace, black stockings (it's chill...well damn cold at night we've been hitting 32 degrees at night), and black boots! I was hot and so was the other ladies we were all dressed appropriately and didn't look like we were going to 5 different places. I had my first shot of patron?? (I guess that's how it's spelled), and like 6 other drinks! I'm still geeking--didn't mix that light and dark liquor so no throwing up for me...I took that shit like a champ!!!! (Can you tell I'm still geeked lmao). Wasn't worried bout meeting some dude...was just having fun with the girls...believe me when I say jiggas here are lame as hell...I did dance with one dude and put all this BBW on him but he looked like he was younger than me so it was all in fun!!! I'm just geeking because I had a good time this weekend and I'm making new potential friends (I'll tell you about my coworker later..) I'm just living my life having a good time!!!!

If I Was A Boy

2008-10-29T19:26:00.002-05:00

I saw this picture and I think that reguardless of your political party these bring a smile to your face!!! I'm an 80's baby and it was all about the Cabbage Patch Dolls!!!!

Tagged

2008-10-29T16:32:00.004-05:00

Crazysexyweird was tagged by the wonderfully divalicious Blaq Vixen (http://www.blaqvixenbeauty.net/) and here are the rules:
Here are the Rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

Some non-important things/habits/quirks about me:
1) I have to sleep with the t.v on- I know going green is popular but the best things are on t.v at night
2) I hate getting up in the mornings...
3) I don't have a BFF right now...no one is fitting the bill.
4) I am really getting into the Animal Planet channel- they have some really good shows on there
5) I read a lot of blogs but I'm afraid to comment
6) I can't/ never learned to ride a bike

I don't know 6 people to tag so I'm going to kind of break the rules and tag 2 people. Sorry...I need to up my blogland friends.

Chile Please (http://chile-please.blogspot.com/)
Vixen (http://vixenchick.blogspot.com/)

Can You Believe

2008-10-28T19:22:00.002-05:00

Man time sure does fly when you're having fun... today was my mental health day and I definately needed it. I think with all the unnecessary drama I had going on it helped me kind of clear my mind. I didn't do very much today...but boy it felt good. I never feel like this on the weekends. So I quess I will head back to work tomorrow. I'm not gonna be greedy and milk my time off... I never know when I'll need it again.

It's homecoming weekend up here and I'm going into hiding because I have no one to kick it with. This has been an ongoing issue with me...every homecoming I'm sad and lonely because no one wants to go hang out with me. I quess I'm so boring and unfun that I usually just stay home. It hurts me because I don't think I'm like that; but since I'm always alone I figure that has got to be the reason. I missed out on many of my young adult years because of lack of friends. Maybe I'm too standoffish or just weird. I don't know I had someone tell me if I want friends I have to pray for them...and I have so I guess I'll just keep praying.

You give good. . .

2008-10-28T01:35:00.000-05:00

You give good...head? Yeah that's what was said to me by mm. So apparetly I'm only inspired to blog from bed which isn't bad but I usually should really be sleeping. Well not really tonite; I'm taking a mental health day tomorrow!! My uncle is coming over tomorrow but I'm just gonna stay in my room and sleep or read blogs from there. I need to call spears tomorrow and see how he doing* last time we talked he mentioned a mental breakdown so I need to follow up*. I may seem selfish but I'm not actually most times I care way too much.Usually putting the wants and needs of others before my own. I need to work on that.I have all the time to do that now that I'm keeping my promise from last night.Well I've taken several pills of cause I've felt like crap since Friday. Now I would love for someone to say You give good... Love!

The Wind

2008-10-27T00:25:00.000-05:00

Well its over... mr mean and I are done! I didn't say half of the things I really wanted to say because I was shocked by somethings he said to me. The first thing was that he doesn't even know my real name!! WTF 2 years off and on and you don't know my real name. Second I asked him what he thought of me and he said a very vulgar comment that hurt me very very badly! I'm not mad at him I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be degraded to a sexual object that doesn't have a name.I refuse to cry but I am never going to subject myself to treatment like that. All the time and energy I put into him I could just kick myself. I'm done with men for the rest of the year I need to regroup and try again for love next year. I need to develop a list of requirements that must be followed from jump. This is a learning experience for me- and I plan to grow from this. Damn I've been involved in a 2 year one night stand and didn't even know it that's ducked up!! SMH well you live and you learn I'm just glad I have no children with him and ill never have to see him again. I think I'm definitely gonna take a man break its well needed but it feels good as hell knowing I don't have to worry about the pressure of sleeping with him anymore!! When one door closes another one opens!!

Go Girl

2008-10-20T01:38:00.000-05:00

So its late as hell and I'm posting again. This time its about that asshole Mr mean that sob won't let this shit die!! He just keeps contacting me and I keep trying to be nice about this shit. I Don't Want You or your dick!! I'm over it and it honestly hasn't been all that mindblowing since November of 07.I just really want to be left the hell alone so I can gather my thoughts and grow. He is the only part of the old me that I'm really still in contact with and he might be the thing keeping me from growing!! Sometimes its hard leaving someone so familiar but I honestly never felt comfortable sexually with mm I always felt like he didn't find me attractive or sexy no matter what I did. It felt like I was a concubine there for his pleasure. I'm being honest about this for once and it feels so good! The d was alright but it wasn't mindblowing or life changing. It was just a nut- nothing more no forplay no touching and he never seemed to enjoy it. So by admitting we were just someone to do I quess I am letting go! Go Girl!!

When It Hurts So Bad

2008-10-19T17:20:00.002-05:00

Well I'm a so so over this thing called life. It's mundane and truely boring. I should be having the time of my life yet my 17 year old sister is living it up! I work and sleep. That's it! That's not why I'm so over life...work was truely hell last week and I'm such a big fuck up. A major fuck up...I want to say for the last 3 years I have a problem taking direction from white people. I'm not racist...lol some of my best friends are white lol.... but I really, really do have trouble with my bosses. I'm very independent and head strong and if you tell me what to do and leave me alone I typically can do it and be done with it. I'm so not cool with being micro managed, but apparently that is all I have been encountering lately. I'm boarderline OCD about the way I like for my day to go so any little change upsets me and I lose all control. I quess I need to work on the way I conduct my business before I am out of a job all over again. I have so much I wanted to say earlier and it has just all went out of my head. I'm such a scatter brain. I will try to blog again tomorrow. Pray that this week is so much better than the last....

Ms. Harmony

2008-10-11T00:07:00.004-05:00

New day new drama! So today was a good day...I only worked 2 hours, went to visit some old friends, purchased some items for my kids, and have been reading blogs ever since. I visited my male BFF (kinda, it's like we're cut from the same clot..grew up with a lot of the same problems with our families, etc) I let the slip up from earlier this week pass. I'm going to say that was just a mental lapse and he didn't really mean it. We had a good chat about our siblings and our parents dependency / guilt trips on us. I overall had a nice day.

So I'm at home chillin like I normally do on Friday nights (It's a mental thing for me ...I don't really like to go out after a long week at work) and who calls me about 30 minutes ago...Mr Mean. Now he contacted me day before yesterday but I didn't even respond. I know/knew what he wanted and I wasn't driving way across town again. The funny thing about his contacting me is ironic because my MBFF works right down the street from his house. I'm so over him I gave him a little time but then I finally say I'm in Memphis and there is no way I'm coming to see you tonight and I won't be back until Monday. That way his feelings are not hurt just in case I do decide to ever get down with him like that again. (I'm a firm believer in keeping a ready list...It hasn't worked out that way lately but I like to keep the numbers). That was the end of that and I'm considering changing my number so I don't have to deal with that anymore from him. I would have got excited because he contacted me but I didn't. I KNOW I'm looking for something more than a half fuck. If I could just find one good guy...who has incredible sex as an added bonus I just might be happy.

On a happier note I'm currently looking for schools to attend in the spring. I just finished my Masters in May, but I have to keep Sallie Mae at bay a little while longer...lol and that's the best way. This time I think I am going to pursue my Ed.S. It'll be a good look for me financially even though I am nowhere near ready to take on a new professional endeavor. I would like to have the experience to back up the degrees and have people see me seriously. I have three days off this week so I am staying in and planning some changes in my program to become more accessible and involved. I can do better at work and I'm def going to change some things to make me feel and look more competent.

My ex BFF texted me this week with these lame how you doing, I miss talking to you crap...yes I said crap because I guess I'm still bitter about how things with down. I didn't respond to that because I really didn't know how to respond because I don't really miss her anymore. I feel that she's cool not talking to me until she needs some emotional support. I'm so over that shit!!!! I don't care what she thinks about why I no longer want anything else to do with her. I can't keep going on these emotional friendship roller coasters with her anymore. This is not the first time we have fell out over some bull...but this is the last. She says out the way stuff to me making me feel like the stupid whore and she plays miss highly religious...when in fact she has way more consistent unprotected sex than I do (I want to say more but like I tell my kids, you don't have to like people but you will respect them and I'll keep her business out of this blog).

I don't even have regular sex and havn't had any since 2007 and that was like only one time per month during the summer. In all of 2007 I only had sex with 2 people (Jan, May, June, July, November); In 2008 I've only had sex three time!!!- the entire year (March, and June). Where as other people I know are getting it like rabbits!! I guess I'm maturing and learning the value of my goodies (maybe) and I've become more selective and reformed...cause I use to get it poppin on the regular back in the early 2000's. (That makes me feel old...but it is so true) My sex life is the topic of my thoughts quite frequently....and whenever I think aobut it too hard I have medical problems (I'm diabetic...but I never, never, ever do what I'm suppose to do when it comes to eating, exercising, and taking my medicine so that causes some problems that prevent me from attempting to have sex sometimes...I know, I know TMI but I felt I need to explain...Sorry!) On a good note I've taken my medicine 2 days in row, so I'm trying to be good and do the right things....and relose the weight I have gained back. Yep I lost a lot but I've gained about half of that back...it's funny how being broke as hell can help your weight by preventing you from eating all the good fattening stuff.

This has been a long rambling post and I'm going to wrap it up now...I'm loving, loving, loving Robin Thicke's cd!!!!

Bust Your Windows

2008-10-09T18:46:00.002-05:00

*****Update*****

I decided NOT to pursue the married men. Why you ask...well it's just wrong. They can be wrong and find them some other jump off but it's not going to be me. As much as it may be intriguing...it's just not for me. I am proud to say I have some morals and I feel it's not a good look. I did talk to the BFF today because he called me at work and he was on some bullshit talking bout I wish you would have called me yesterday. I was waiting on your call. I told him I was busy...but I had no intention of calling him or even seeing him. I'm going to stay on my grind and search for a nice guy...no matter how boring, tedious and unsuccessful.

You're My Baby

2008-10-07T21:01:00.005-05:00

PSA- If you don't have that new Robin Thicke Something Else...get it...It's almost as good as The Evolution of Robin Thicke. The Evolution was 5/5; Something Else is a 4/5 and could be a 4 1/2/ 5. Tomorrow I will have a list of my favorite tracks...but please don't sleep on this cd if you love good music.

What a jacked up day...It started out as a typical Tuesday dull and boring. I threw on a dress and hit the door. I got to work extra, extra hungry so I decide to head to Kroger for something that I can eat. I'm going through the store just picking up stuff...I look up and who do I run into? J. KROGER..http://crazysexyweird.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-decided.html . He still does things to me mentally that brings back all the good times, fun times we had. So I first pass him and it's that cute sexy wave...then I swing back by and we chit chat.

H: so r u seeing anyone

M: nope...just as single as ever. How's your son? Do you have anymore children yet?

H: He's great...I have another one on the way

M: ( that answer lets me know he is very much so still married) Congrats..do you know if it's a boy or girl yet?

H: No not yet?

We make lots more small chit chat he screws me with his eyes a few times...I tell him good bye and head back to work. ** I suddenly feel old because I have known this guy for damn near 10 years**

So I jump on the phone and call one of my male BFF's. He is also married and we basically used to chat about on previous sexual stuff..jokingly. We never discussed getting down like that...it was an unwritten rule. Actually we never brought up the issue of us so I figured that I could get the real deal and share my story. Well I'll be damned if he doesn't keep mentioning that he's looking for a good side piece. One with no drama, doesn't want much but the "D". So finally he just up and says " I think we should consider us "getting down like that" WTF??? Dude are you serious..and sadly he real was...but even sadder I am slightly intrigued and am kinda debating getting at him like that. Why..well it's been a long dry spell on my unfreaked end. I'm not looking for anything serious but my question is why in less than three hours I got propositioned by two totally different married men. Now is it some kind of vibe I am putting off that says desperate, single fat girl looking to screwed with no thought of the word relationship?? I don't know but I do know that it's wrong for me to be entertaining such "degrading" requests...but as the song says "If Loving You is Wrong, I Don't Want to Right"...or do I want to be right?

Livin My Life

2008-10-02T22:52:00.002-05:00

Let's see I can't believe that I'm like two for two on the blogging!!! It's a record lol. I'm about to hit the bed really tho...it hasn't really been a long day but I do get irritated with some of kids. Ninja kids are the worst...sometimes. I've had kids ask me for food like we been cool for years. I had a damn kid slap me with a puzzle piece!!! Some of these kids are damn right disrespectful. I get so frustrated dealing with these kids at my new school. I have heard some weird shit...hell I've heard some weird shit. I feel like I'm working with middle school students instead of elementary students...they have real problems and its some scary mofo's in these schools. luckily none of are really hood....they are privliged and have never really had to deal with issues some of my other kids had to deal with. I'm not sure I love these kids like I loved my other students...well I do love my younger students..they are so cute. K-1...after 1st grade its right down the tubes.

You Should Be Here

2008-10-01T22:28:00.004-05:00

Happy October!!! It will be Christmas before we know it, which means shortly after it will be my 26th B-day....we'll talk more about that later. Well I'm sticking to my word and trying to blog more.

So I'm on my favorite...not really but I've been on it for a minute so it might as well be! It's free so its okay with me...I can't bring myself to pay for E-Harmony or Match.com...but I might want to look into it and I might find a better quality of men. So anyway I'm just chillin and this guy hits me up...not really cute but he awight. So we get to iming and then I learn that he is originally from Africa and says he has a B.S. in Engineering. He seems like a nice guy and all...no sex talk or nothing. The only problem is that I'm weary of talking to him because he is African...and I know that they have different cultural standards than we do ( I think at least that's what I've heard).

Now I'm torn if I should pursue this guy who is in the process of getting his masters in engineering (that's what he said) and let a possible good guy get away or should I run the other direction. We haven't had a phone convo but he wants to hang out on Saturday---well this weekend. I think I'm going to become a lesbian in theory and shy away from men because right now I'm just so unimpressed. I'm chatting and so not into it at all...could I be shying away from a potential serious relationship because of stereotypes or am I just stupid?

Take Your Time

2008-09-29T22:16:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time....shouldn't left you but man life's a bitch...a bitch with cramps and family drama! Eb the Celeb posted a blog with a blothings on it....and I decided to take the test and man was it eye-opening

You Are 2: The Helper
You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you.You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know.Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere.You connect with people who are charming and charismatic. At Your Best: You are deeply giving, altruistic, and humble. You devote your life to others while caring for yourself too.At Your Worst: You are manipulative and enjoy making other people guilty.Your Fixation: RejectionYour Primary Fear: Being unworthy of loveYour Primary Desire: To be loved unconditionallyOther Number 2's: Mother Teresa, John Travolta, Princess Diana, Dr. Phil, and Mr. Rogers.

Damn that's me to a T. Scary yes, shocking nope not really those really are my deepest fears and I feel that right now I am going through this lowly, lonely stage. I havn't met anyone that strikes my interest to pursue platonic much less an intimate relationship with a man. It's crazy...but so am I.

I'm gonna try to blog more...because when I get those comments it lets me know that someone is listening to my little rambles...and the words of encouragement really helped me say Screw You Mr. Mean. No contact, no im's no nothing...I'm beyond proud of me. Now if I can just get the damn freaks to stop hitting up my page I might be okay.

If I Were Your Man Pt. 2

2008-09-14T17:44:00.004-05:00

So after a week hiatus here I come again. No new updates, well I am done with Mr. Mean. Done, finished, kaput, over, deuces...and a lot more. I went to see him Tuesday during work...see some child missed out on some valuable time with me...it took me all of 30 minutes to get there and once I got there he seemed so unpleased and so was I. I think this season has passed...well I know it has there was no joy it just seemed like we were inconveniencing each other. *** On a side note he now lives on the third floor and my sexy fat behind is not for walking up and down 3 flights of stairs on the regular..he said it would help me loose wait WTF...not noticing that I've already lost over 20lbs..hmm just like a man***. It was a waste of time and I won't do that ever again. Now I know I've said that before but this time I'm for real...nothing against him I feel that this is all me I've evolved beyond him. I'm glad...I've got a problem with going back to dudes I have history with I think that's because I find it so much easier to do that than meet new people. I did that with Joe-yep I'm using his real name cause I really don't care lol! We were together off and on for over 7 years, we finally ended things last July with a little residual contact left until this summer. It got real nasty at the end and we realized that we couldn't even be friends. I was 18 and he was 19...I've said so many times that we coulda been married and divorced in all that time. He had a habit of coming back into my life whenever I met someone new and after all the crap he did I stuck my tail between my legs and would go back. Now I think I'm ready to finally meet new people but I'm not finding anyone interesting and I keep running into ex's in the process. I need some ideas on where to meet new people cause I'm all tapped out.

On a side note I'm having family issues and I'm so sick of them...I wanted to scream last night! I think that if I get out the house and start dating I might feel a little bit better, or at least not have to answer when, where, who, and when will I be back...I might not be so pissed off at everything and everyone in this house. I need to really get my shit together and get a second job and say holla...but then I think if I do that who will pay all these bills. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am thinking of teaching this spring just to get some extra money flowing in here besides student loan money which I don't need any more of....ever!! I'm trying to get it going and get it together.

Year of the Lover

2008-09-07T20:05:00.004-05:00

Damn! I've been gone for like 2 weeks. Life is mad crazy and add the fact that I'm being mad lazy= no posts! Last week I actually did not check my blog roll for two days!!!! In the three years that I've been checking on blogs I've never, ever done that! I'm gonna try and blog more but hell I'm tired when I get done dealing with my kids. I got smacked in the face with a puzzle piece by a 9 year old !!! It took all I had not to beat that ass!!! I've had a very, very, boring,uneventful , yet satisfying few weeks.

My love life????? What's that. It doesn't exist and I'm not too sad about it. I'm feeling a little randy tonite I thought about Mr. Mean and then I got mad at myself for wanting to have anything to do with him. He called me last week I think...not to talk but to see if I would come over. Typical Mr. Mean crap; I was at work and had no intentions of driving 30 minutes just to see him for 5 minutes. Even though I haven't got down like that since June (THAT'S WILL POWER!!!) I'm not dwelling on it because I just feel that I haven't met a man lately that makes me want to do that. I don't even have a back up man saved in my phone. Every time I feel the need to go back to my handy dandy online dating site, I quickly log off. Mr. Mean is not even a real option he crosses my mind but I remember how he urks me and that feeling quickly passes. TC has been hitting me up lately but I've been ignoring him like the plague. I'm not even giving him the chance to ask me for more money. Well when it's time for me to get down and do the nasty I will but I always have my handy dandy trusty toy.

I'm down to a very few select friends..umm 2!!! It's cool though because quality is way more important than quantity but it's football season and I do need some people to floss with especially at homecoming! I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I'm happy...content with the way things are going, life is far from perfect but I'm good!

I Need You Bad

2008-08-17T23:20:00.002-05:00

I really don't need anyone bad but I'm so feeling the beat to this song. I'm so over Mr. Mean today. I'm so over my favorite online dating site. I seem to attract weird people. Tonite I posted two posts on craigslist tonite just to see what's up and how it is. I'm im'ing some dude now who says he's in graduate school at Meharry. Kinda boring, but hell so am I; not usually what I'm attracted to but I'm no beauty queen (I'm working on my self-esteem tho). So right now i'm just chatting. I told him I'm only looking for friends so we shall see. I'm tired finna hit this bed.

I Decided

2008-08-16T23:53:00.003-05:00

After a brief hiatus, I've decided to blog on the weekends until I get settled into my new schedule. I've decided to be honest with myself and others....to a point.

My family and I have settled back into our regular situation and all is fine there but I'm going to be honest to myself and stay out of their business and hopefully they will stay out of mine (when I have some...right now that is nonexistent).

I decided to be honest about my like feelings. I sent Mr. Mean a im being honest with him. I told him I want more of him than just a jump off situation and that he can take it anyway he wants to. I put it out there and its up to him to be a man and step up or step off.

I decided that the so called friends that I have are no longer worth my time. Once I get my money situated I'm changing my cell phone number and ended the pseudo-relationships. I've done alot of deciding lately but today was the icing on the cake with my supposed BFF. She called me around 10am and I missed the call, I called her back at noon to see what was up. She wanted me to go on a road trip with her to Memphis or Chattanooga- I thought about it cuz I hate making split decisions like that but I decided to go in my quest to become the adult I feel that I should be...I called her back and told her I was going she said she'd call me back...SHE NEVER CALLED, OR EVEN TEXTED ME BACK!!! WTF was up with that....she's been acting extra shady all summer and I'm pretty tired of it. I'm that friend that you call when you need or want something but you can never return the favor. I'm beyond tied of it....so I decided I'm gonna let her ass go. No answering phone calls or any of that shit. She needs to grow up and get her shit together anyway if her life is causing her to lose her damn mind.

I decided that no matter how horny I get I'm not gonna call my 2nd or 3rd string. Those losers are there for a reason and it makes no damn sense to keep trying to relive the past with them especially if the sex wasn't mind blowing (which it wasn't). I have a short list of the greatest of all time and most of them are no where on it.

1) J. Kroger- I'd been hot after this dude since I was 15/16. He was always extra sweet to me when we worked together at Kroger. I don't remember how our paths crossed and we became cool but we did. I stalked him so bad I knew his schedule at both of his jobs and had his license plate memorized. One day while I was a freshman in college I got the nerve to tell him I was feeling him..he shot me down told me he had somebody. Somehow/ Someway we started kinda talking (the dates are hazy now cause at the time I was a major whore and I have repressed many of the memories during this time period) and then I found out he was a major whore and then we just started getting down like that. It wasn't too frequent 5 times max but MAN those were the best times ever!!! no one has ever taken his spot and probably never will. He sucked/licked/kissed everywhere. I'm talking positions I've craved since but have never had. He was/is still a sweet person but I found out his GF was pregnant and I felt guilty; he eventually married her (my number one rule is that I don't do married men and I've stuck to that). Our attraction is always obvious... people just know that we've gotten down like that from the way we communicate. It's cute--he's the only man that I really hold no hard feelings toward at all. I can find no fault with this man other than the fact that we could never be. I saw him last year at the park and it was nothing but love...we exchanged numbers but neither ever used them..its a time and place for everything and this is not the time. ***just writing about this dude has caused me to do a online search...lol just to see whats up. I'm a hot ass mess***

2) Mr. Mean- he comes close to J. Kroger but not by much he's far, far away. He's good damn good but not J. Kroger good!!!!!!

3)????? Do I even have anymore oh! Q..was pretty good. He gave me my first big one so he makes the list but he really shouldn't be number 3.

So I may have had a lot of sex in my life but it wasn't all good sex...most were just okay but it was also hard as hell to follow up behind J. Kroger too...oh and I forgot to mention that for a minute we were neighbors so all I had to do was walk over to the next apartment...damn those were the days.

I decided that it's not good for me to think back about the past. It makes me do stupid thangs! I decided that I'm still def crazysexyweird and I haven't learned my lessons in love yet!

Try Again

2008-08-13T22:22:00.005-05:00

Man it has been a minute since I decided to post. I've been crazy busy with work and getting situated not to mention all the family shit that I've been dealing with. All it takes is one person to screw up the false sense of normalcy we have in our lives. I think my family (me, mom, and sis) cried every day from Friday until Monday. A lot of things that should have been said years ago was said and we are attempting to fix. It has always been said that we can't choose our family and that is so right. All I can really do is love them for who they are and pray that their lives become everything they dream.

*****I am so going to see this movie even if I have to go by my damn self, it looks like its gonna be a conversation piece*****

It's Getting Late

2008-07-30T01:51:00.002-05:00

Today was a good day. Sometimes when you really don't have much too do (an idle mind) you truely forget how much you enjoy doing certain things. I love doing what I do. I was so nervous about being in a new place that I forgot that the reason that I am there. I set up my office today which is not as bad as I once thought. It's very cute and quaint. I'll post pictures soon. I think once I receive some of the things I need it'll be perfect. I did jack quite a few items from my last job lmao so I have enough items to get my program off of the ground.

I really want bean bag chairs in my office...for some reason I think those are the cutest things. Once I get my money... that and a fan will be one of the first things I purchase. I'm extra tired and I have to work the next 2 days as well...so off to bed I go.

Wedding Song

2008-07-29T01:30:00.004-05:00

Love and Marriage......

I'm not that chick who has her wedding already planned in her mind at all. I never dreamed of a prince coming to take me away and live happily ever after. I was a tomboy for awhile..and I was always dreaming of college and being successful on my own. I never felt that I had to have a man to be complete and I still don't feel that way .... on most days.

I have yet to meet my soulmate..JT came close but he wouldn't let me share all of me with him. Soulmate is such a heavy term and I don't know what all it signifies but I do know No-No didn't meet the requirements---plus he already told me I wasn't his. JT is on this new black man kick not to ever get married or have children. Now I know that he's gonna do both of these things sooner than later..unless he's gay-which he could be, I really don't know...because the ones that run from love Cupid hits right in the ass! The turning point in my love obsession with JT ended when he told me I wasn't his soulmate...I've been hostile to him ever since; not because I wanted us to be but you don't tell someone who's been in love with you for over 6 years that ...ever.

I guess I was born to make mistakes...

Who knows I may have already missed my prince/ wedding partner...am I dwelling on that? Nope not at all..because if it meant to be it will be. I have a lot of growing up to do before I marry. I want to bring something to the table for my kids. The men who are in my life now are here just for a season. It's not like I'm blind to their flaws and I can't see myself marrying any man from my past. They are lacking something that I need, just as I am lacking something that he needs I want to be a his Eve. The Ying to his Yang..corny? yes but true. Call me a sap but that's just how I see it. I'm planning for my prince and not just the wedding.

This is the cutest cake..I might put this in my possibility book...more on that later.

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

2008-07-29T01:02:00.003-05:00

Well it's 1am and I have to get up at 6am...I don't want to get up and go to this new job tomorrow. I've been in the bed for an hour and I'll I've done is toss and turn uncomfortably. I'll be working for free because the payroll doesn't start until 8/6/08. This is not good for me because I need money to pay my bills. I didn't receive my stimulus check because apparently it's lost in the mail. WTF???? I don't feel I should have to be required to come to work during summer break. I've been there once or twice and was not impressed. My office is basically a storage closet and with no ventilation. It's something about my boss that I really can't put my finger on but I'm not feeling her at all. I think I've been burned so much in life that I find it hard to work with certain people. True enough I have been giving her excuses for why I haven't been there this summer but I didn't have any gas money to get there and have been going through a really funky depression.

I really did not want to work with this particular grade level anymore but since I was suddenly dismissed from my last position with no prospects I accepted this position. I didn't have to interview or anything...the motto in my field it's not what you know but who you know because I was recommended for this position. Everyone seems to think it's a good move for me, but I'm not so sure. The students are more well to do and it has less minority students than my last school. Everyone keeps saying I'm trippin, but sometimes you just get that vibe that maybe this isn't the place I need to be.

I don't know what to do..because you never want to burn bridges in my career especially because you never know when things will change and when you'll meet this person in life again. So it's not like I can say I want to go somewhere else leaving my new boss in a bind with little respect for me or my abilities.

At this point all I can do is go in there tomorrow with my optimist hat on and hope for the best. I guess we all have to start somewhere and this is my starting point. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on her because I really don't know her and I should give her a chance before I put her on my shit list. The faculty are all upwardly mobile young white women..leaving me to fake the funk. When I was younger I didn't have a problem doing that but as I've gotten older that takes so much energy out of me people claim I'm always aloof and distant. We'll see how this plays out....but why does it bother me so much?

Back In The Day...Puff

2008-07-28T18:49:00.003-05:00

I saw this on another blog:Me, Myself and I> (http://itcouldallbesosimple.blogspot.com/) and it really got me to thinking about who I was 10 years ago and who I am now.

Back in the day--Yall remember this: Back in da day when I was young im not a kid anymore but sometimes I sit & wish I was a kid again...damn Im gettin old

Ten years ago today, it was July 28, 1998.

1) How old were you?
THEN: 15
NOW: 25

2) Where did you work?
THEN: School
NOW: Education

3) Where did you live?
THEN: TN
NOW: TN

4) How was your hairstyle?
THEN: relaxed down, ponytails
NOW: wigs, falls, my hair-ponytail

5) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: No
NOW: No- not for me

6) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: Not yet
NOW: Yes

8) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: None
NOW: None

9) Who was your boyfriend/girlfriend?
THEN: Umm no one but lots of crushes and flirting
NOW: Single, Single!

10) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Lenny Kravitz, R. Kelly- I know ironic right, LL Cool J, Usher
NOW: Blair Underwood, Lahman Rucher, Lance Gross

11) How many piercings did you have?>
THEN: 2
NOW: 4 used to have 8

12) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: None
NOW: None

13) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: Lauryn Hill / Aaliyah
NOW: Jill Scott

14) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: No
NOW: Yes

15) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: no
NOW: not pissey but tipsy

16) What kind of car did you drive?
THEN: none
NOW: Altima

17) Looking back, are you where you thought you would be in 2008?
Sorta I knew I would have graduated from college but I didn't think I would have degrees in the fields that I currently hold.

* I wouldn't have thought my grandma would have died five days later in 1998 and that changed my life forever..we were really close*

This is just a small glimpse at Ms. Magnificant--- Feel free to do this on your own blog

Guess Who Loves You More

2008-07-28T02:09:00.008-05:00

I'm sitting here and I'm can't think of anyone who loves me more..than me. I say I want a relationship, but do I really. They complicate things and usually are more trouble than they're worth. I was on my favorite online community last night browsing. I've been a member of this place since 2001...and I've had numerous dates, but nothing of substance. It can become addictive seeing how many people are attempting to hit you up and holla. I get way more messages from people I don't want to get to know ...but I do get a few requests that lead to something more. The most memorable are:

1) Pizza Place- We met in 2002...found out we were in the same biology class/lab things never made it further than cut buddies cause he has the personality of a rock. I call him pizza place because that is where we got together most often. - If you're thinking....yes we did! He was seeing someone seriously and I was with J.T. off and on over the 6 years. We occasionally see each other because we're both in the same line of work and recently hung out in May. I didn't enjoy myself because he was trying to get it poppin and we haven't spoke since.

2)Mr. Mean- We met in 2006..I should have known he wasn't bout nothing cause we hooked up the first time we hung out. I'm not complaining cause at the time I was coming off a nine month sabbatical, and it was the best in at least 2 years. He also has the personality of a rock but its something about him that I can't just leave alone...I'm working on that tho; I think??????

3)DL- We met in 2003/2004 way before J.L. King lol. He was into freaky, tranny , bisexual stuff. We never did anything but I had feelings for him -like a crush. He opened my eyes a lot, I was young and dumb and for a minute was thinking I could change him..but I realized that AIDS is really real after a local young lady said she caught HIV from a man who sounded a lot like him. So that ended that.

4)Weird Ware-Met senior year in undergrad 2005- Not my usual drop dead gorgeous, but seemed like a nice guy. He was cheap, hated my moms, watched sitcoms - would tell you what happened word for word, and acted foolish in restaurants. He started seeing someone else, I didn't want him but didn't want no one else to have him either.(I go back to men who I know suck *sigh* ) We kicked it again for a lil bit but it was quickly dead. I see him online and run the other way!

The rest of the men (or boys)

I don't remember and don't care to at the moment. I said all this because another less than stellar man hit me up last night and told me that although I'm cute/sexy; I want a man to jump through hoops to be with me. WTF? I know what I should have and why should I settle for less than what other women receive. I deserve nice dates without them thinking they deserve sex for it (ugh), phone calls, a non pothead, and an overall gentleman. I want to build a relationship not a cutt buddy list!! Is that asking too much? Hell to the Naw It's Not. I'm not asking for a man to keep me laced in diamonds, keep my hair/nails done, or pay any of my bills. All I want is someone who enjoys me not for the things I do but for who I am. If that turns into a relationship good...if not why can't we be friends. He then told me I must have been in a bunch of bad relationships? STFU! Why because I have standards...I quickly told him where to get off at and ended the conversation. My question is why waste my time if my page stated something that you were unwilling/unable to do. Some men believe in that wear her down process. I'm trying to get away from that. I know that I'm worth more than that...hell I bake muffins and take them to your job WARM! I'm a good catch and I refuse to dumb myself down AGAIN to have a piece of man. I want the whole man...a good man! Maybe not today, tomorrow or next year but one day sooner than later.

I guess I do love me more...

Runaway Love

2008-07-27T00:37:00.003-05:00

So I had a mini break down yesterday and started to blow this mofo up yesterday. I had the urge to slap (kill) my entire family and friends too. Sometimes I feel that I am out here in this world all by myself-no support from friends, family, associates , colleagues..anybody. I am currently living at home and this has always been a touchy subject with me. I wish I was able to get out on my own and do what I have always wanted to do for me. I have always put everyone else's happiness and comfort before my own and at this point in my life I am beyond tired. I have been raising this family since I was 16..I did get a year off my freshman year in college, but it has all been downhill from there. My life is nowhere near perfect but on most days I accept it and move on but yesterday was a different story. I attempted to call my so called BFF to vent and she proceeded to share what I said to her in confidence with someone else. That pissed me off because I don't think my life issues should not be discussed with someone I don't know and have never met. She always seems to put herself on a pedestal and judge everyone else. I do know that as God is my witness when I start back to working and get a couple of good paychecks I am changing all of my contact information and moving on with my life. I have never been the type to hold on to something/ someone that doesn't want to be held onto....well except with JT but that's a whole nother story. I find myself asking God what have I done to deserve all this pain and agony I have received in my short life. I'm good to people, I don't use people ..overall an overly nice person. I can be a little standoffish and selfish but hell when you've been hurt like I have why not. I saw one of my church members today..I haven't been in church faithfully since last year..maybe 3 times this whole year but anyway she was telling me she missed me and the things I used to do for the church. I responded genuinely that I miss them too and that I am trying to find myself. I was not lying or being fake..I truly am trying to find myself and what makes me happy. I sometimes think that if I lived in a bubble everything would be okay. The only things I would need would be my laptop..the less I talk to people the better I would be...I think. I'm not good with relationships...I need to write down a list of the goals I'm trying to accomplish in this life I'm living..well moving in.

Til It Happens To You

2008-07-25T02:40:00.002-05:00

Well I didn't completely luck out today. I was on my favorite networking spot and I got a note from this guy I'd been checking out for a couple of years. He never gave me the time of day and I actually forgot he existed. He sent a pretty decent message that was a far cry from the usual bullshit. He is def cute in an educated brother kinda way, the type of guy I can have a conversation with about stuff other than sex. So I replied... and I'm waiting on his reply. I don't have anything to lose at this point and it might be nice to have a "change of scenery". I also got another message from another guy who seems like he could be another possible prospect so I'm gonna see where both of these end up..I'm hoping I have a connection with one of the two at least cause Mr. Mean and TC done pissed me off seriously. I don't care how good Mr. Mean's "D" is I have stopped messing with him before for a serious relationship and will do it again without looking back. I can't put my life on hold for something that doesn't add up to anything. I did that for 8 years with JT and I'm back at square one. ..

Really, Really Pissed Off

2008-07-25T01:31:00.004-05:00

So it is now 1:30am...I'm usually up this late so that's not a problem. The problem is that I was suppose to be getting ready to go "sin" ova Mr. Mean's house. I sent dirty pics, im'd and he's basically ignoring me. That's why I call his ass Mr. Mean - he does this shit cause he know it piss me off. I'm like a planner, I plan stuff...I can't just get up and just go fuck. I like to be extra clean when I know I'm getting down. I don't smell but I also like to be sure. N*E way so I sent an im saying should I be putting on my shoes or my pj's ...this igga gonna say my pj's lol. I don't find that shit funny. Tell me whats up; the last two nights you been blowing my shit up to get at me, but now tonite you playing. You a grown ass man..man up. We're been through this before with him acting like a lil bitch one minute then he wanna be a man the next. I'm a woman and I know what I want and since I've been wanting you this week we need to go on and make that shit happen. Quit Fucking around!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH...he makes me so sick....but I do love the "D". I'm so fucking mad but I'm still gonna go if he call...I already said I was stupid. One of my bf's and I were talking about him today
l (7/24/2008 2:58:28 PM): how's your situation with d*ckhead
me (7/24/2008 3:00:31 PM): actually we've chatted on im like for 2 days
me (7/24/2008 3:01:22 PM): but nothing more than that
l (7/24/2008 3:02:05 PM): ummmmm interesting
l (7/24/2008 3:02:13 PM): i still don't like him though
l (7/24/2008 3:02:17 PM): probably never will
me (7/24/2008 3:02:23 PM): lol who do...
l (7/24/2008 3:02:38 PM): just an fyi in case ya'll ever have a relationship
l(7/24/2008 3:02:45 PM): lol
l (7/24/2008 3:02:53 PM): no i mean
l (7/24/2008 3:02:58 PM): i take my lol back
me (7/24/2008 3:03:14 PM): girl that will neva happen cause he's an ass
me (7/24/2008 3:04:28 PM): i was just surprised he talked to me for 2 hours tuesday..we ain't neva done that even after sex lmao...so im like whats the deal
l (7/24/2008 3:06:09 PM): ummmm maybe he had a growth spurt
me (7/24/2008 3:07:21 PM): mmm i doubt that cause he still doing x
me (7/24/2008 3:14:21 PM): but on the real..im goin ova there tonite...call me crazy but i kinda like him
l (7/24/2008 3:15:21 PM): EWWWWWWWWWWWWW
l (7/24/2008 3:15:24 PM): LMAO!!!
l (7/24/2008 3:15:44 PM): i knew you liked his crazy ASSSS!!!!
l (7/24/2008 3:16:02 PM):
l (7/24/2008 3:16:10 PM): you stink
l (7/24/2008 3:16:14 PM): LMAO!!
me(7/24/2008 3:16:31 PM): awwwww. u so wrong , yet so right lol
me (7/24/2008 3:17:12 PM): i will say that he keep it extra real and i don't have no expectations..
l (7/24/2008 3:18:06 PM): well don't get any (expections)
l (7/24/2008 3:19:08 PM): sooo you don't talk to sir-needs-a-loan anymore
me: (7/24/2008 3:19:32 PM): now im positive on that...i don't even want him to try and make it more than what it is i'm keeping my options open
me: (7/24/2008 3:20:03 PM): hell he asked me again tuesday beggin and stuff...he disgusts me UGH
Now it's 2:30am and I'm still at home blogging cause he im'd me talking bout he tired...ugh cause he been working 12hr days all week and it's caught up to him tonite. I think he really do just like the prospect of sleeping with me and when he thinks about it he changes his mind and that is really some bullshit. Or maybe it was God telling me to leave that igga alone cause he ain't what I need right now cause honestly I was more excited about spending time with him than sleeping with him..i guess I'm lonely and he was meeting a temporary need i need to work on that for real. Well I guess I found another thing to add to my list of shit to get over!

He Loves Me...Not At All

2008-07-23T02:30:00.000-05:00

So after last nights post...who hits me up and messenger and has had the nerve to chat with me for over 2 hours. I don't know why iggas do me like this. Mr. Mean has never had a convo with me like that ever...and I mean ever and we been doing this since 2006!!! WTF???? And it doesn't help that yahoo music is bumping some of my favorite songs of all time...I'm feeling a lil happy ova here. Not happy enough to go get in my car to see this dude or happy enough to think something finna evolve from this but just a lil giggly.

Dudes will fuck up a good thing if you let them...I was enjoying the conversation until he up and say he done popped an X. Now I am anti drug except for my cigs...I'll tolerate a lil weed, some syrup, lortabs but X is extreme to me. The potential side effects are ill compared to the other stuff he does (which is all of the above...frequently) and I'm gonna have to draw the line there. That is not sexy, cool, or thuggish...this igga think he a rapper or some shit. *sigh* I sure know how to pick dudes. He sends me this message

Mr. Mean: I'm finna pop a pill

Me: Is it like that? Well u know where to find me. Be careful mixing that pill with other stuff

Mr. Mean: X and Boi if u were ova here...

Me: Damn

Now what am I suppose to say to that..."Oh daddy let me jump in my car and drive 30 minutes away to get some of that " umm hell naw I'm def good tonite. Men trying to be boys if a def hilarious situation. This dude just turned 29 and still doing shit like this...I mean for real dude grow the hell up...but that "D" is good..lmao.... I already said I was stupid!!!!

Take Me As I Am/ Say Goodbye

2008-07-22T04:02:00.005-05:00

I know that lately everything has been sad, depressing, and bleak. I feel trapped in a life I don't want to live anymore...until tonight. I was reading my horoscope and it spoke to me for 1) I am trying to grow and change into the woman I should be, 2) This is my quarter-life crisis and it's time to step out of the box. The words on the page jumped out at me and smacked me across the damn face! I am trying to grow and my money has been nothing less than fucked up all summer. *smile* but through all of that I was trying to hold on to my sanity and this horoscope helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Aquarius Horoscope
M, This is a time of tremendous psychological growth, which can lead to great personal success if you follow through with it. Money may be tight but it is a temporary condition. You will have to watch your funds very closely over the next few days. A difficult job is still giving you trouble but will become much easier as time goes by.

I was reading some other things about my horoscope and it was describing me to a "T" as well.

As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, problems will arise. However, with astrology we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As an Aquarius you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive::
Problem: Being left all alone while others enjoy the companionship you long for.
Solution: You should practice expressing your humanity by accepting people the way they are and not find too much fault in them.
Problem: You always seem to miss the boat when it comes to love.
Solution: Try letting down the mental guard that you keep on your emotions that stops you from being the self you long to be.
Problem: You always seem to miss out on the better jobs or big promotions at work.
Solution: Learn to use your positive side in teamwork and group effort, the lone wolf approach will get you nowhere.
Problem: You seem to become physically ill more than you should.
Solution: By repressing your emotions you drive the unrest deep inside where it can cost you in terms of health. Express your feelings but do it with tact.

I am definitely going to try these solutions to my problems because these are some of the main issues that I deal with...and it won't hurt to try them because everything I have been doing for the last 20something years has not been working at all. My main issue are being flaky and avoiding situations.
I'm not sad anymore.....I'm looking forward to becoming a true grown-up. I have some...well A LOT of work to do to become comfortable in my skin but I'm willing. I am about to start reading "LIFE LESSONS FOR MY SISTERS" by Natasha Munson; I have had this book for years, but until now it just collected dust on my bookshelf. The words of wisdom will most definitely help me through this transition.

Everything seems to work when we let go and let God!! Thank you God for blocking Mr. Mean, Jo-Jo, TC, WD, and everyother man who is bad for me, but I couldn't let go of..THANK YOU GOD!

Now all I have to do is get serious about my health and quit smoking...but I'll work on that in baby steps.

Crown Royal

2008-07-20T22:35:00.001-05:00

It is official, I am the biggest dummy on the planet! I accept my crown and wear it proudly. So I have basically contacted/ thought about heavily Mr. Mean since Thursday. He hasn't contacted me at all and today totally ignored my texts and made me feel stupid for mentioning the fact that he hadn't responded to my texts/ im's. Why do I continue to be drawn to this dude. I have stated many times before ...man I am wasting my breath talking bout this dude again. I was the same way about the last dude. It took me almost 8 years to end that...and he ended it for me!!! What can I do to feel less powerful with men. I give them all the power to call all the shots. Am I normal or am I just a damn fool. I have a headache and don't have the energy to even think about what just happened. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired..I need a life overhaul quick. When I get my first check, I'm permanently changing my number and I'm not giving it to females, males, friends or anybody! If I hadn't popped all these damn pills, I'd be having a drink right now.

pissed off

2008-07-20T01:23:00.000-05:00

I am typing from my blackberry cause my fucking internet has been cut off. They stiffed me on a pc card doubled my fees and put me in overdraft at the bank. I'm calling first thing in the am and cussing everybody out because they can't get their shit together. Its always the little man paying for someone elses fuckups. I was reading some interesting shit about serial killers before the untimely interruption! The saying goes if it ain't one thing then its another. I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing wrong to deserve all this bad karma I'm getting. I'm praying ; not having sex; not stealing; or hurting anyone so why am I in like a living hell!! I guess life could be worse but not by much I don't think? Well that's a Stretch statement but I'm feeling pretty bad now. -sigh- I'm tempted to get crazy sexed just too attempt to forget all my problems with Mr. Mean cause that's all he is really good for to me. I guess I enjoy replacing one problem with another- its the story of my life!

Love to Love You Baby

2008-07-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

Well I would if I had someone to love....well maybe. I'm sitting here and I'm not quite mad, but not quite happy. Mr. Mean contacted me again on Sunday requesting services. I turned him down again but after the dream I had last night my question is should I put him down AGAIN We don't mesh, I can't stand him, and all we do is have sex. The true definition of a jump off. Yet every summer I get funny about our situation..and I attempt to put him down only to want him more once it gets cold again. I guess I'm wanting my cake and trying to eat it too. I don't want a relationship with him, but I do want him to remain available to me when I call.We had a conversation on I'm last night that was almost a conversation but not quite. He confuses me so much I don't know what to make of this situation.The sex is good but not enough to keep this thing going. I have more questions than answers about Mr.Mean. Well I guess I need to figure it out soon.

I'm Going Down..Wanting to Come Up

2008-07-12T01:10:00.000-05:00

God I need you right now so bad...I don't know what I have done that has caused this cloud of despair to come over my head. I can't seem to get rid of it no matter what I do. It has been here since May and I am begging you to heal me, help me, save me. I am not asking for a financial blessing, an occupational blessing, a man blessing, or any of that Lord. I am asking for a spiritual blessing...peace. I need it Lord. I don't know what I can do to make things right. When I thought my life was perfect, I was too busy to be bothered with you. Church was superceded by school, work, sleep, and t.v. Please forgive me Lord for all the wrong I have done in my short life, for the wrong I continue to do, and for the wrong I will do. Lord I just want to lay down and close my eyes one night and not have to dread tomorrow. I feel that I am only days away from having a nervous breakdown. Nothing in my life is going right and I haven't been this sad in many months. Nothing I do seems to be right. An idle mind is truly the devils playground. I watch the mailbox daily hoping for a stimulus check that should have been here weeks ago. I have yet to receive my diploma and I can't find a job to save my life. I know that once I find the peace I am so desperately searching and yearning for all of those minor things in my life will work themselves out. God please grant me peace. God please bless me with the faith to know you will work all of this out for me. God I know I'm here on this earth at this time to do something for someone besides myself but I don't know what that is or how to go about doing those things..please lead me in the right direction to do your will. I need you Lord...

Drop and Gimme 50

2008-07-08T02:04:00.005-05:00

I wasn't always a BBW...

Growing up I was skinny...then curvy...then thick...now BBW. I turned the freshman 15 into the freshman 50. I went from a size 12/14 to a size 18 and I didn't even know it. I went to the doctor one day and she told me I weighed 226lbs. OMG!!!I was steady around 160-170lbs before I went to college, but I wassss wondering why none of my clothes fit anymore. How did that happen, well the campus Burger King, Pizza Hut, Top Ramon and the snack machine down the hall had a little bit to do with it! I had always said in high school if I ever hit 200lbs I was going to kill myself... but I was there and then some so that promise went out the window. I mean it wasn't like I was really bothered by the weight change because I was still having sex...way more than I should have really, but I was still popular with the fella so I was good.

Illness is good for weightloss...

My sophomore year, I became very sick and dropped down to 150lbs...yeah but as soon as I got better I started eating again I was right back up to 212 last year. So without any real effort..cause I was in graduate school, working, interning, basically living I've lost 27 lbs total in 9 months. I got on a scale a few weeks ago and it said 178lbs...I was like this shit is broken? Today I found out it wasn't that off +/- about 10 lbs..and now I'm inspired to lose more. I"m not trying to get a man I want to look good for me so I'm gonna shoot for at least a loss of 30/40 more lbs and I might look like that picture up there...well a lil thicker in the right places of course!

Resentment

2008-07-08T00:55:00.004-05:00

***I am continuing with my ABW posts because I'm just sick of crap***

I was reading the newspaper and the front page had a very derogatory article concerning African American students in public schools.

"Poor kids' teachers earn less ..Pay and Experience: Schools whose average teacher pay and experience levels were in the bottom third had the highest percentage of children qualifying for free and reduced lunch and the highest percentage of black students. As teacher pay and experience rose, the number of children on free and reduced lunch dropped, as did the number of black students."

Wow what a statement to make! Read the entire article and the "comments" that follow by clicking on the link http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article? AID=/200807060210/NEWS04/807060398. Anyone who thinks racism is dead or doesn't exist needs to read this because the statements made are so blatantly offensive it's sad. I'm not a militant but I feel when adults talk and feel like this it is no wonder children don't respect adults or want to learn at school. The article is blatantly inaccurate and does not mention the pass/ fail status of the schools on the NCLB standings. There is a spreadsheet that has accurate information attached to the article..read the article then read the chart http://www.tennessean.com/assets/xls/DN11222976.XLS. Please check out the article and post because WE let articles like this get published without calling out the authors on the injustice to African American and other minorities.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blogs!!!

Me, Myself, and I

2008-07-08T00:09:00.004-05:00

Well I am fresh off a visit to my PCP (primary care physician) and I am really pissed off. Today I was like a Black Panther in that mutha, mad as hell. Why??? Well I have a doctor who is in private practice in the very affluent Green Hills area. I notice that every time I go to see her I am the only African American patient in the office. Now that's fine cause I know I'm not her only AA patient but it just makes me feel funny. On face value it would seem like I have stumbled across the best health care in the state...but have I?

Whenever I go in to see her (which is nowhere near as often as it should be) she rushes through my symptoms and does not address all of my concerns. I also have to TELL HER what plan of care is best for me. Now I come from the healthcare field and I have first hand experience that doctors are not God's gift and most are dumb as hell - whatever they say I'll follow that up with my own research and if needed a 2nd opinion. It is well known fact that AA's receive subpar healthcare when compared to other ethnicities; but she could at least act like she cares. Like today she didn't address the main reason for my visit at all...so now I'm going to find me an AA ob/gyn who hopefully will listen to my concerns. She rushes out of the room so fast my head is usually left spinning. I don't like paying co-payments to see you for five minutes. I'm young and fairly healthy BUT I want to keep it that way! I pay you these high ass deductibles for you to listen to what I'm telling you because no one knows my body better than me!

Another example of this is a few visits ago I went to her to discuss birth control option because I have terrible cramps; the first words out of her mouth were depo and an iud...ummm hell naw.... I'm extra sensitive and I'm not trying to become a statistic or gain anymore weight than I have already. The first thing out of her mouth should have been when the fuck am I gonna quit smoking because of the high risks with smoking and birth control but I continue : I told her I was thinking more of a low-dose oral pill because I had problems with a few other brands. So she wrote me out a few prescriptions..still not mentioning my smoking ( I know its bad..but I have problems lol ). Well on today's visit she asks me which birth control I was taking and I told her NONE 1) I'm still smoking 2) I'm still smoking 3) I don't want blood clots with the possibility of dying!!! She told me "That was a very wise decision because blood clots are bad"...BITCH I KNOW THAT ALREADY!!!! I was thinking why the fuck am I talking to her????

I went in to discuss a woman problem that we've been trying to fix for a few months now...she had been giving me the same drug to address the issue and it's not working. So today she say's I'm gonna give you _________. I was like umm no that's not working what about _______ ; I've taken it before and it works good for me and can you add__________ to fully get rid of the issue. WHY THE HELL I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO PRESCRIBE!!!!!! You went to med school ...not me.

This is a constant circle we go through every time I see her. People have to look out for themselves and AA's REALLY have to because everyone thinks we're slow and take what they say as bond- DON'T because my health is not an issue to be overlooked or ignored.

***I'm usually not a ABW but today I am not even in the mood***

Headache

2008-07-07T23:25:00.003-05:00

Is it wrong to not want the people who are in my immediate circle to read my blog. Well I ask that because TC keeps pressuring me to read it and I refuse for several reasons 1) I'm talking about him 2) I have said some not so nice things about him 3) He may not like the fact that I posted supposedly intimate im conversations online without his knowledge 4) It's MY blog and I feel that he should not even ask me whats in it much less what I have said about him. I don't know maybe if I'm bold enough to write it, I should be bold enough to let him see it. Naw ...I'm gonna pass on all the drama..at least for tonite.

Sometimes

2008-07-03T04:22:00.006-05:00

I'm going to switch it up and not talk all about relationships. I'm going to talk about life..my life.

How many of us have taken the time to think back to our earliest memory.

I was thinking about that tonight..yeah I remember some things before the age of five like being in Head Start and going to my brothers pre school graduation (he was in a special program), but do we really remember the first thought that we had as a child. The first thought I can remember having is that I've got to be perfect. I was in kindergarten and I was the shit! I was smart, pretty, teacher's pet, had friends, and clout at the school because my grandmother used to work there. I had it all but Porsha (damn its funny how I can remember a chicks name from kindergarten but I can't remember to pay my bills I have every month..lol) was blocking. We used to be in a dead heat for perfect kindergartner of the year. It was then that I had my first thoughts of "I can't stand her and I'm gonna be better than her". Call it hating, jealousy, envy whatever I had all those thoughts without even knowing what they were. ( before anyone thinks it, no I was not a selfish only child so next!)

What I find amazing is how long those thoughts and feelings have followed me through life. I strive to be top banana in the eyes of the boss. I have done this in school (I've been in school for over 20 years so I know how I am) and at every job I have ever had. It worked out good for me increased pay, increased responsibility, more freedom, recognition, etc. When I am not top banana I'm ready to quit! If i don't get the praise and recognition I deserve for being above average all hell is going to break loose. Is it possible that our personalities are shaped by the time we're five? I know all about temperament and how babies are born with it (I better know that cause these student loans say I should know that at least), but I bet if we all stopped and thought back we would still see pieces of ourselves as children and how they shaped who we have become as adults.

Free

2008-07-03T04:13:00.005-05:00

I saw this post on Black Girl In The City and it so spoke to me in my quest to reinvent myself. Wise words I am going to start trying (cause we all know I'm not perfect) to live by. Real Talk from a Real Woman

http://blackgirlinthecity.wordpress.com/

Hey Boy Thanks for Nothing

2008-07-02T22:21:00.004-05:00

New Day--New Drama

Sometimes you just want to say Men Ain't Sh..!!! Okay in my case I want to say that everyday. Why is that once you sleep with a man they think that is all you can do or all they request. I am so fed up with the relationships I share with Black men. A man will start out all kind and cool and then after the sex or talk about sex they flip it. Not wanting to get to know you anymore than they already have. They become selfish, unkind, and unusually busy...yeah I'm telling the game! The men I have kicked it with don't care to know that I don't mind cooking ( I make some cold muffins, cakes, fruit salad, and pot roast); I'm good with children; and don't mind going that extra mile to please. These are things they don't know and fail to want to know. I'm always getting requests for sexual acts...for example here is a im I received from a guy I've been knowing for 2 years. I'll call him Mr. Mean because he is mean as hell!
It was always a sexual relationship - a true jumpoff situation. I was down with that, because I was busy and was not looking for anything else at the time. We started kicking it back in December 06 and kicked it til Feb. 07- he was rude, crude but one hell of a lay! I will say almost the best sex of my life, but we couldn't make it past one decent conversation. He even went as far as to tell me that his children probably wouldn't like me so we'll never meet! Now I understand not wanting to bring your children around strange women, but I'm a nice person and most kids do like me. So things between us kinda went by the wayside. I started seeing someone else around July 07 and he called and I told him I was talking to by boyfriend...and he was not happy about that to say the least. I went on with my life but one day in November I saw him on his personal page and sent him a note. We hooked up again...this time was better than I remembered...but he dropped a punk move and said it was payback sex for not messing with him anymore..WTF. Jump-offs don't catch feelings and if they do, they should tell the other person so they can decide what THEY want to do. So following that debacle, I went and got tested for everything under the sun (we used condoms, but hey he could be crazy) and thank God everything was negative.

(AIDS is real and killing too many people...ladies we need to get tested once a year no matter how many partners we've had..This public service announcement was sponsored by...lol)

For some crazy reason (call me stupid...I don't care, cause I kinda am) we started talking again this spring..not talking, talking but real brief im's. We ended up seeing each other and of course some freaky stuff went down once or twice until we had a really horrible sex session (lets just say it involved ice on a naked body- which didn't feel too good to him lmao!). I didn't really expect to hear from him anymore and that was fine with me because it was less than memorable but I think he's contacted me once since and I didn't respond. Today he calls me twice, I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message or text so I let it go until a few minutes ago I get an im buzz that went a lil something like this...

Mr. Mean (7/2/2008 10:16:09 PM): U CAN'T PICC UP WHEN I CALL
Crazysexyweird (7/2/2008 10:16:38 PM): didn't know u called my phone been off all day
Mr. Mean (7/2/2008 10:17:01 PM): I CALLED U ALLLLLLL DAY
Mr. Mean(7/2/2008 10:17:15 PM): MY BIRTHDAY
Crazysexyweird (7/2/2008 10:17:18 PM): im sorry
Mr. Mean(7/2/2008 10:17:29 PM): I WANTED SUM HEAD
Mr. Mean (7/2/2008 10:17:36 PM): FYE HEAD
Crazysexyweird (7/2/2008 10:17:40 PM): oh boo happy birthday..im sorry
CrazySexyWeird (7/2/2008 10:18:49 PM): well can i make it up to you tomorrow am im free
CrazySexyWeird (7/2/2008 10:38:20 PM): well since u ain't said nothing i'll cancel tomorrow and I hope u had a good b-day. bye

Now this conversation is about as long as any we've ever had but the difference is I don't give a damn and have no intention of going to see him tomorrow or any day ever again. What he doesn't know is that I've erased his number and contact information out of my phone and I'm tired of assuming the position of concubine for him or any other man not putting in the work to get to know and enjoy me for me!!! It's hard because sometimes a piece of man is better than no man, but like I said I'm tired and I need to focus on me and what I want for and from myself.

TC asked me for another loan today...what does this dude not understand!!! I'm not giving him anything even if I had it to give. Ugh..he is such a loser, determined but none the less a loser. I'm so glad I didn't get to know him anymore than I have. I am proud of myself for not being such a punk right now...but now I have to work on getting rid of the Mary Kaye lady.

Justify My Love

2008-07-02T14:53:00.005-05:00

I saw this post on Style Razzi-awesome blog- and I felt like it just speaks to me and the phase I'm going through. I'm going away from people who I feel are not like myself and I am attempting to reinvent myself. It's hard...but I know its something that I need to do for me. God leads you to people and things you need to see for a reason....

In My Inbox: A Black Woman's Guide to Survival

10. BE SELECTIVE IN FRIENDSHIPS. Friendship is not charity, it's a give-and-take relationship. Your Friends should be people you love, admire and respect. Don't be afraid to expand, or change your circle of friends. As you get older, you may head in a different direction than those you once considered your 'best friends forever'. As you evolve and mature, you may grow apart from friends who no longer fulfill you - it's ok! Hold this person in your heart, but be true to yourself when devoting time, energy and emotion to anyone you seriously consider a 'friend'.

9. RE-INVENT YOURSELF WHEN NECESSARY. Self-reinvention is a way to constantly reflect and assess your goals and priorities in your personal, academic and professional life. The concept of self-reinvention allows you to reconsider your lifestyle and, at any given moment, change a particular course of action. The beauty of this process is that you don't have to beat yourself up about behaviour you consider undesirable. You should actually feel great that you have enough sense to realize the error of your ways (whatever they may be), and can spontaneously commit to change. Congratulations - you just solved a problem!

8. PROTECT YOURSELF.HIV/AIDS is the #1 killer of black women ages 19-27 in America . You are not corny or lame if you insist on an HIV test before having sex with someone. In fact, you're stupid to give up responsibility for your health and put your life in someone else's hands. Please DO NOT FALL FOR the age-old trick: 'Look at me - what am I supposed to do now?!' All men masturbate. Politely tell your partner that he should focus on 'self- love' until you're certain that he deserves to enter your temple.

7. JEALOUSY IS A WASTED EMOTION. People who love themselves and recognize their worth are unable to be jealous of others. Why? You should be so preoccupied with loving yourself and changing what you don't like, you have no time to worry about what others are doing. Being jealous of someone is a waste of energy. You cannot control other people and the choices they make, or the luck they have. Weak people let other's circumstances affect their self-love and/or self-worth. Resist the temptation to be envious, as it will get you nowhere. If anything, let other people motivate you to achieve certain goals for yourself.

6. CARRY YOURSELF LIKE A LADY.Embrace that which makes you a woman, and by all means, take advantage of the privileges that we have. Force men around you to treat you with the respect they would their mother, aunt or sister. Insist that your doors be opened for you, order your food first in a restaurant, and sit in the front seat if you are the only female in the car. There is nothing wrong with being 'pleasantly demanding'. Along with the privilege of womanhood comes a certain responsibility. Being a true 'lady' means you exhibit manners that would make your grandmother proud, your clothes are tasteful and appropriate for your age, and your hair and nails are always clean. These little things make a big difference in how you are viewed by outsiders, and the quality of men that you attract.

5. KEEP UP WITH CURRENT EVENTS.Staying in touch with what's going on in the world is very important. Not only is it important to be aware of national and global issues, it makes you a lot more interesting to others because you always have something to talk about. It doesn't take much to watch the news, read the newspaper online, or buy an issue of TIME magazine or Newsweek. Don't forget - parents and teachers are a great source of information on current events, and would love to have a conversation with you about something 'serious'.

4. Travel. Do you have a passport? If not, get one. Before you are saddled with the responsibilities of a job and a family, take advantage of your freedom and travel. Instead of buying a new outfit, buy a plane ticket. See other parts of the world and observe other cultures. More importantly, have fun! Plan a trip with a friend to a social event in another city, a beach on an island, or a city in a foreign country. Capture your memories with photos or in a diary (or a blog). You will cherish them forever.

3. Be Proud To Be Black.Black culture and heritage is based on strength, perseverance, and rich talents. You should have an overwhelming sense of cultural pride - as black people, we are so very special. Don't EVER feel as if you aren't equal to another person simply because you're black. If you have any question as to the importance of black people to our society, or how smart, beautiful, talented, funny and fascinating we are, start reading. Watch old movies. Read plays. Go see plays. Buy tickets for dance and musical performances. Seek opportunities to study academic topics involving, or related to, black people. Talk to your relatives that lived through some of the historical events you've heard about. Get on the Internet and study people with whom you're familiar. Keep in mind, black pride doesn't mean exclusion of others. It is most impressive when you seek to educate other cultures about the beauty and greatness of being black.

2. Have a Cause.As long as you're here, it is your duty as a human being to help make the world a better place. Let your natural talents and passion lead you to an issue that keeps your attention, and to which you can commit your time and money. Get involved with groups that already exist. If your particular cause is new or unique, start your own group and make your friends join. Helping others is an easy way to feel good about yourself, and invest in the future of your community.1. Love Yourself.

This is #1 and most important, yet challenging, mission to accomplish. Self-love is critical to survival at any age, and may be quite a personal journey. Loving yourself means recognizing, developing and honouring a sense of self-worth. Loving yourself means you have zero tolerance for anyone or anything that doesn't love you and respect you. Loving yourself also means you must treat yourself well, simply because no one else will do it for you.
Posted by Razzi at 11:34 AM

Wishing On a Star

2008-06-29T21:22:00.002-05:00

I'm wishing on a star..to find out where you are..

I'm not really wishing but I would like to find a nice gentleman to hang out with, talk to, cuddle with, share my deepest fears, secrets and wants and needs. Someone that I don't have to worry that the only thing I'm good for is sex.

TC is still wanting me to ...well you know and I have no plans at all to do that. It's just something about him that turns me off. Maybe it was his request, but even after we hooked up the other night I didn't feel the spark that compels me to want him again. I hate that this is looking more like a one night stand, but it is what it is. There will be no follow-up session no matter how much he asks. Tonite he asks if we can be practice partners with no strings attached to do all the things he's never done before...umm no! Naw I'm good.

I guess if I hadn't had a long talk with God a few weeks ago maybe I would be down, but I feel like things around me are spiraling out of control and I needed God to help me. So what does the devil do..oh he just sends all my ex's and other guys to try and holla. See God is helping me because he has made sex a whole lot less pleasurable for me. It has been like that the last few times I did the do. It was good for a minute and afterwards it was bland..unsatisfying. That's a sign telling me to wait my time. In 2008 I've only had sex three times and all three times I felt the same way. I guess I will attempt to become celibate again and get my self together. Im going to write down what I require a man to bring to the table before we get intimate, as well as what he must do while we are intimate.

I guess 25 and Confused would be a good way to describe me and my life right now. I asked TC where he saw himself in 10 years and he answered right off the bat; when he asked me the same question I couldn't answer it. I kinda have an idea but nothing concrete. I know more what I don't want than what I do want at 35. I guess that's okay but I know it is something I need to start working on ASAP.

Wishing on A Star......

Where Do We Go From Here

2008-06-28T21:47:00.006-05:00

Well another day and another drama!

I have no clue what I want out of life and who I want it from. I sent the "its not u, its me text" tonite to my high school crush. We remet online and started kicking it, but not frequently it was mostly a --text fuck relationship. He's damn near engaged, while I damn near can't stand to be bothered everyday---so we've only hooked up 3 times since Feburary. I felt it was time to stop bullshitting.

I deleted every dude name and number in my phonebook so when times get hard I won't get desperate to call and beg for dick. ( I don't beg..but to me thats what it seems like)

TC is still attempting to communicate with me---what else can I call it? I decided to fuck with him and tell him that if he sleeps with me when I want how I want I would pay his bills--OF COURSE IM NOT but I just wanted to see where his head was at? He keeps saying let me think about it. Wtf...whats to think about who wants someone controling them like that. The urge of the mighty dollar has turned a lot of women into whores, so why not a man. He is acting like a crack head looking for his next fix about his bill situation. Im not the type to be ...oh hell yes I am I have done a lot of shit I didn't want to do because people have asked me, but I know for sure that would not be one of them. He totally repulses me and I doubt I will ever see him again. Im good at not holding up my end of the bargain in situations/or scheduled dates. I think he feels he's running game, but for once in my life I am not having a problem telling this dude how I feel.

Yes we have already had sex..call me stupid but It was a DEF need...so now he keeps asking for that. Now it was okay to say the least...not bad, not mindblowing, but better than some sex I've had; but nothing I'm rushing to do again especially after the money request. I'm scared he might physically do something to try to persuade me to compy with his reqeust (maybe a little outlandish, but hell I did meet his ass online).

If I Never See Your Face Again

2008-06-28T03:06:00.004-05:00

I'm so damn tired of the kind of men I attract. I know I've commited the number one sin by admitting that I'm attracting these lames, but shit after so many dudes that turn out to be total losers it's got to be me! I'll get around to the back story later. The newest guy who sucks like hell- came off as real cool and we could possible be more...not yet bf/gf but something. I'll call him TC; We talked, chatted and hung out...then after only two weeks dude asks to borrow 3G and to cosign for a lona. WTF!!!! I mean we literally started chatting two weeks how the hell you gonna bring that shit out your mouth. I messed with one guy for 8 years and he new not to ask me no shit like that, I'm big but damn do I look like a bank. TC was like he needed to pay off his bills, get back on his feet blah,blah, blah. The whole country is in a damn recession, not just you, shit I need 3G my damn self. Oh, Oh and he had the nerve to ask me via email..he started out saying how hard a worker he is and how he's a good guy. Dude do I know you...for real I don't even know your middle name, social, favorite food, what makes you fart...any of that.

Here is and excert of our long and drawn out IM from the day he asked me for the loan::::

TC: thats why sum nights I dont sleep

Me:because of ur money situation?

TC:well that. and others-jus tryin 2 keep my head above water

Me: i know but as long as u live ur gonna have bills you have to look at it as at least ur not married with kids that you havve to provide for..u're looking out for you and that can b done easier than for a family

TC: well my car is bout to be repoed- I'm 1500 hundred behind

Me: U may need to get out on that ho stroll...man thats a lot

TC: (6/26/2008 9:52:34 PM): u were TIRED
TC(6/26/2008 9:52:39 PM): thats all
TC (6/26/2008 9:53:06 PM): go get the momeny 4 me
Me (6/26/2008 9:53:26 PM): momeny? what the fuck is that?

TC(6/26/2008 9:53:48 PM): money
TC (6/26/2008 9:53:58 PM): el denero
TC (6/26/2008 9:54:09 PM): pesos
Me (6/26/2008 9:54:16 PM): and if i do what u gonna give me?? huh
TC (6/26/2008 9:55:01 PM): my friendship... and I pay it back
TC (6/26/2008 9:55:44 PM): let that be the start point... still tryin to re-coop myself from a few things...
Me (6/26/2008 9:55:59 PM): re-coop from what may i ask
Me (6/26/2008 9:56:09 PM): ur old relationship?
TC (6/26/2008 9:56:17 PM): yea

TC(6/26/2008 9:56:31 PM): and others...
TC (6/26/2008 9:56:46 PM): just trying to make sure I'm focused.
TC (6/26/2008 9:57:13 PM): tryin to get rid of alot of things that have been brining me down
Me (6/26/2008 10:01:12 PM): well im gona say this and if u take it the wrong way well it was nice knowing u
Me (6/26/2008 10:17:58 PM): but ur situation is no worse than mine, and my shit may be more fuckd up more than yours. Im unemployed with 20 bucks to my name total. My car note is 3 months behind, my cell finna get turned off and I gotta go to court ova some bills. My credit is fucked!!! and niggas only think of me as some ass they can get when they want too with no added work. so u not the only motherfucker with problems. No im not gonna go get no money for you, no im not gonna cosign for a loan for you...even if you is gonna pay it back the fact is ur bold enough to ask me somthing like that. I think you cool and all but I don't give my girlfriends money and I love them crazy hos. I've had dudes ask me for money and b4 and its just not gonna happen. I'll help u out with a few dollars heere and there but no real big lump sums unless we married. So with that being said it was nice knowing you and I realy hope ur situation works out, I really do. I hope u and gal work out ur little situation and u both end up happy. But I do want u to know I feel kinda played right now; like u only hit me up to try and get some money outta me . goodbye
TC (6/26/2008 10:46:57 PM): u do
TC (6/26/2008 10:48:26 PM): no
TC(6/26/2008 10:48:28 PM): no
TC (6/26/2008 10:48:29 PM): no
Me (6/26/2008 10:49:20 PM): if u say so.
TC (6/26/2008 10:49:39 PM): i'm being real.. U think I used u?
Me(6/26/2008 10:50:49 PM): i really don't know what to think right now all i know fa sho is i hope that everything works out for you for the good and I don't have any hard feelings u straight
TC (6/26/2008 10:51:14 PM): yes u do
TC (6/26/2008 10:51:40 PM): u think i used u

Me(6/26/2008 10:52:02 PM): if u say you didn't then u didn't
Me (6/26/2008 10:52:28 PM): don't add this to ur list of worries cause its not even that serious really its not
TC (6/26/2008 10:53:07 PM): in a way.. and then just to ask u 4 sum money.. naw.. U asked me to talk about it.. well I did...

Me (6/26/2008 10:53:17 PM): I said talk..not ask me to fix it, I ain't birth you...u know what--whateva bye!

I ain't even trying to be on Joe Brown explaining why I lent a man I don't know money and listening to him expalin how he can't pay it back...got too much going on in my life as is to even think about doing that. What I want to know is what makes a man..nigga...whateva decide if a woman is wifey or bust-it-baby material. Is it the way she talk. the way she think. WTF is it...cause I need to find out cause I'm tired of these lames!

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2008-06-28T02:59:00.001-05:00

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2008-06-28T02:56:00.001-05:00

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20something at War- (Spin on 16 at War)

2008-06-28T02:28:00.007-05:00

Welcome, welcome! I'm Miss Magnificant and you are about to enter a Crazy...Sexy...Weird world so if you down for the ride come on, I promise it'll be interesting to say the least! I'll be talking about the goings and comings in my life dealing with money, love, life, friends, family and whatever else crosses my mind. I've been a "journaler"- is that a word?? since the age of 10 so it only seems appropriate to blog. This will mostly a personal blog, with a dash of fashion and entertainment here and there. If you don't want to hear about my boring, confusing, crazy, and most of all WEIRD situations I won't be mad if you keep it moving. My shit might help you, piss you off, or make you say Amen all in one day!

Me:
Single
Plus-Size
No Kids...yet
Craves Romance
Music lover
Old Soul
Reader
Pessimist
Procrastinator/Avoider
Overachiever
Possible life long student
Overly dedicated to my family..more on that to come for sure
Way too shy...avoids meeting new people
WEIRD...quirky might be a better word but that depends on who you ask

I'm that shy chick that you think you can whoop her, not knowing she crazy and will HURT you if she chooses too. I'm gonna step outside the box and say what I want, when I want, how I want....for once in my life.